Tandem Writing

Here’s a viral story that I’m delighted to report is actually true. (Lightly edited here for clarity.) Snopes confirms this was done by two 12th graders in Winnipeg. The teacher described the assignment.

“Today we’ll experiment with a new form called the 'tandem story.' The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You’ll e-mail your partner that paragraph. The partner will then read it and then add another paragraph and send it back, and so on until you both agree a conclusion has been reached. Please copy me on each addition."

Both students received top marks. Let’s call them Marla and Neil.

(Marla) At first, Betty couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Bruce, who once said, in happier times, that he also adored chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Bruce. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(Neil) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Bruce Harrington, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Zontar 3, had more important things to think about than the neurotic meanderings of an air-headed, asthmatic bimbo named Betty with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harrington to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far ...” But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Marla) Bruce struck his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Zontar 3. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Betty read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited and bored her.

(Neil) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Meribian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted, bleeding-heart peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through parliament had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. The prime minister, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the floor of the Arctic Ocean, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, pathetic, stupid Betty."

(Marla to teacher) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Neil to teacher) Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centred, tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of freakin' TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Jackie Collins novels!"

(Marla) Brain-dead jerk!

(Neil) PMS witch!

(Marla) Drop dead, you neanderthal!!

(Neil) In your dreams, you flake. Go drink some tea.

(Teacher) I really liked this one. Good work!