Heard In Court

These quotes are taken from actual legal transcripts compiled by court reporters. This, from Mary Louis Gilman, the editor of the National Shorthand Reporter, from her books Humor In The Court and More Humor In The Court.

Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q: Are you married?

A: No, I’m divorced.

Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

A: A lot of things I didn’t know about.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?

A: I could see his head.

Q: And where was his head?

A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: What is your brother-in-law’s name?

A: Borofkin.

Q: What’s his first name?

A: I can’t remember.

Q: He’s been your brother-in-law for years and you can’t remember his first name?

A: No. I tell you I’m too excited. (Rising from witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God’s sake, tell them your first name!

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q: (Showing man picture.) That’s you?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q: And lastly, Gary, all of your responses must be oral. Okay? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: How old are you?

A: Oral.