“Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.”

“If you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

“Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. ‘Dear baby, welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.’”

“Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose; it’s how drunk you get.”

“Lisa, if you don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”

“Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘sir’ without adding, ‘you’re making a scene.’”