These quotes are supposedly taken from actual federal employee performance reviews. If so, some of these bureaucrats ought to be in comedy.

“This employee isn’t so much a has-been, but more of a definite won’t-be.”

“Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.”

“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

“This employee is depriving a village, somewhere, of an idiot.”

“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

“Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.”

“It’s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”

“If you stand close to him, you can hear the ocean.”

“This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”

“He brings a lot of joy—whenever he leaves the room.”

“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

“If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

“Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

And finally:

“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”